XMQ9
By Stephen Whitty / ArtiSyndicate
What scares you the most?
A phone call from a heavy breather? The scuttle of – something – in the walls? The sound of footsteps coming slowly up the stairs, when you know you're home alone?
They’re all shiver-inducing, in their own ways. But you know what’s really scary?
Spending $15 — and maybe two hours of your time — on a horror movie that’s simply horrible. Here, to help you ward off the worst, are 13 creature features for the hall of shame, ranked from simply lousy to truly loathsome.
13. The Happening (2008)
No, it’s not a groovy be-in. It’s a boring sleep-in, with high-school science teacher Mark Wahlberg battling a global attack by sentient, toxic plants. Not quite the worst M. Night Shyamalan movie (“The Last Airbender” was still to come) but close. And what did Wahlberg think of it? “It was a really bad movie,” he confessed later. “F--- it. It is what it is. F------ trees, man. The plants. F--- it.”
12. Jason X (2001)
OK, let's get real, right now: All the "Friday the 13th" movies were pretty awful, starting with the first (and I say that despite a fondness for Betsy Palmer, Kevin Bacon and the Blairstown. N.J locations). But by this Jason-goes-to-space episode, with our cryogenically frozen slasher getting defrosted on a 25th century spaceship, things were beyond redeeming – even with a David Cronenberg cameo.
11. Night of the Lepus (1972)
You shivered at attacks by brutal birds, ravenous rats, ferocious frogs but – can your heart stand an assault by behemoth bunnies? The silliest in a string of ‘70s eco-horrors features nasty rabbits taking over an Arizona town. The special effects are laughable, but the cast list is truly tragic – among the desperate stars signing were Janet Leigh, Stuart Whitman and, yes, DeForest Kelley. Beam us up, Scotty.
10. Maximum Overdrive (1986)
Yes, this made my “The Worst of Stephen King” list too, but a film like this is the gift that keeps on giving. You know, like herpes. The passing of a comet brings machines to murderous life, and soon it’s Earth vs. hairdryers, vending machines and 18-wheelers. King directed, for the first and last time, and Donald Trump’s second wife, Marla Maples, plays a corpse. But it’s the movie that’s really DOA.
9. Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)
Director William Friedkin, writer William Peter Blatty and star Ellen Burstyn wanted nothing to do with another “Exorcist” – so Warners made one anyway, tempting back Linda Blair and signing on the eccentric director John Boorman and a hungover Richard Burton. And how’d it play? According to Blatty, when the audience spied studio execs after the premiere, they chased them down the street.
8. Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)
More like shlock and error. Thanks to global warming, mutated flocks of vultures and eagles – who spit acid and explode on impact -- start attacking Northern Californians. Sadly, it’s the audience that suffers most. Reportedly made for $10,000, with the actors holding their own mikes and the special effects done (or, rather, undone) via laptop. Imagine “Sharknado,” minus the intentional laughs.
7. Maniac (1934)
You thought your generation invented movie trash? Take a trip back to the ’30s, when Dwain Esper was a one-man exploitation factory (sample titles: “How to Undress in Front of Your Husband,” “Marihuana, the Weed with Roots in Hell!”) This grindhouse flick, his sole horror effort, included a duel-with-hypodermics and a madman eating a cat’s eyeball. It could have given even Poe nightmares.
6. Frankenstein Meets the Spacemonster (1965)
Mars needs women. That’s the entire plot (and title) of another awful movie, but it’s only the start for this one, which has chrome-domed alien Dr. Nadir travelling to Puerto Rico where he and his monster (Crispin Glover’s dad, Bruce) confront a badly scarred cyborg astronaut (James Karen, local TV’s Pathmark man and the real-estate villain of “Poltergeist”). A low-budget, high-camp disaster.
5. The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies (1964)
Give it one point for the title, at least. Set in a carnival, this bizarre horror-musical plays more like a freak show, full of gypsy fortunetellers, stripper hypnotists and a director, who looks disturbingly like Huntz Hall, doubling as star under the pseudonym “Cash Flagg.” Presented in “Hallucinogenic Hypnovision” -- at some screenings, people in monster masks attacked the poor audience for real.
4. The Creeping Terror (1964)
Remember that horrible shag carpet in your first apartment? Bet you didn’t know it was a movie star, too. But here’s the evidence – a no-budget bomb in which a spaceship crashes on earth and disgorges, um, a giant carnivorous floor covering. Not helping? The soundtrack was lost, requiring a narrator to explain the action. Not funny? It was shot on the same ranch the Manson Family later moved into.
3. Orgy of the Dead (1965)
Every worst-movie roundup has to have an Ed Wood film – it’s the law -- but “Plan 9 From Outer Space” is so easy. Also, so wrong -- at least it’s funny, and has Bela, Vampira and Tor Johnson. This Wood-written “nudie-cutie” (directed by “A.C. Stephen”), however, has nothing – although the clairvoyant Criswell from “Plan 9” returns, to introduce a mummy, a werewolf and some very sad strippers.
2. Robot Monster (1953)
Ro-Man, a chunky alien with the body of a gorilla and a space helmet he refuses to remove, eliminates nearly all of Earth’s civilization, which apparently explains this basement-budget film. Shot in four days, mostly in a Los Angeles park, with stock footage from old dinosaur movies and a secret death-ray that shoots – soap bubbles. “I will recalculate -- your deaths shall be indescribable!” Like this movie.
1. Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
Even if you don’t like “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” you have to give it credit for resurrecting some justly forgotten horrors, including this monstrosity with a guy in an ugly cape, a devil cult, a goat-legged servant and some sex-slave cellar dwellers. According to Wikipedia, it was made by a “fertilizer salesman from El Paso, Texas, who produced the film as a result of a bet.” I’m figuring it was because he lost. I know we did. I think I can also guess where his fertilizer went.
Dissed a movie you love? Left off one you hate? Be sure to comment and share.
Stephen Whitty may be reached at stephenjwhitty@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter @stephenwhitty. Find him on Facebook.
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