15 surprising traits that make couples more likely to divorce
Traits that may lead to divorce
Too much affection too early.
A super-strong start may be a signal of a super-strong spat later on, report University of Texas at Austin researchers. If the affection level between a couple changes a lot during the first two years of marriage, they might be more likely to separate.
"You have to commit to talking and investing in each other throughout the relationship. A lot of couples are really diligent about scheduling monthly date nights, for example," says Tonya Graser Smith, a board-certified specialist in family law and the founder of GraserSmith, PLLC in Charlotte, North Carolina.
PHOTO: Javier Sánchez Mingorance
Mismatched expectations.
If you put a ring on it hoping for 24 hours of together time every single day and to continue courting each other with lavish dates, you'll likely be disappointed.
"Premarital planning is one of the most important things a couple in love can do before walking down the aisle," says Vikki S. Ziegler Payne, a divorce attorney at Ziegler, Zemsky & Resnick in Livingston New Jersey. "I tell couples to 'get naked' emotionally and physically about their pasts, their parents' relationship, their communication challenges and their finances. Without these important topics discussed, couples that undergo a difficult time do not have a strong marital foundation to withstand a big nuptial storm."
PHOTO: Image Source
Communication shortfalls.
Speaking of communication, it's key. Like mom always said: "Use your words." Growing apart and not being able to talk are the two most common reasons nearly 500 couples gave when asked, "why are you asking for a divorce?"
"The chief culprit in divorce is a lack of communication. Your spouse can't read your mind and you shouldn't try to read theirs. Talk about things you may not want to talk about. Talk about bills. Talk about feelings — happy and sad. Be intentional with your spouse in saying, 'This is important to me,' or 'This is not important to me.' Don't assume your spouse knows what you think. Tell them," says Graser Smith.
When you're planning to tread on tough territory, take note of when, where and how both partners may be most open to challenging conversations, suggests Dr. Racine R. Henry, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of Sankofa Marriage and Family Therapy, PLLC in New York City. "Saying things like 'I feel this way,' 'my feelings were hurt' and 'I love you, but when you say that it way makes me feel sad' are all ways to not be aggressive and confrontational," Ziegler Payne says.
PHOTO: Vladimir Vladimirov
Financial woes.
If you haven't talked about what you're willing, able and interested in investing in before marriage, it's bound to come up soon after you put a ring on it. "Maybe you want more time together and your spouse doesn't want to work so much but thinks you need the financial security," Graser Smith says. "Maybe your spouse doesn't know you'd be willing to downsize your house if it means he's happier, less stressed and has more time for the family."
When it comes to saving money, once again, communication comes into play: "A financial planner or career coach could be immensely helpful to kickstart conversations about goals and map out a plan for achieving them. They'll help you consider your interests, what's important to you both, and how you want to prioritize the most important things in your lives — then start planning to fund these things," Graser Smith says.
PHOTO: Classen Rafael / EyeEm
Trust issues.
"This is often related to underlying 'communication issues,'" Henry says. If your partner is no longer your "safe space," you don't feel like you can be vulnerable — and turn to someone else to trust. "Emotional cheating is often more impactful than physical cheating because of the trust factor. Opening up to another person about your fears, hopes, dreams and more can be a deeper level of intimacy than sharing your body with that person," Henry adds. Nip infidelity and other lapses in faith by sharing open conversations about your needs and if they're being met.
PHOTO: Josep M Rovirosa
Addiction.
If problems from earlier in life — or earlier in the relationship — haven't been properly processed, one or both members of a couple may turn to other outlets to cope. "We act the way we do because our environment and relationships, past and present, trigger a response in us. It can be hard, and isolating, if one member overuses something to fill up a void," Lyons says.
While the partner facing addiction needs to be ready to change, the other partner can be there to provide support, compassion and patience. "Things don't get fixed unless you address the root of the problem when it happens and make a concerted effort to work on the issues consistently," Ziegler says.
PHOTO: Towfiqu Photography
Scarcity of common interests.
A health kick can quickly become unhealthy for a couple. "Say a husband becomes super interested in triathlons. All of a sudden, he's spending hours a day after work training and every single weekend going to and participating in events," Graser Smith says. If the wife has no interest in doing triathlons or attending the events, they may drift apart. Or worse.
"When a couple no longer has shared interests, including in each other, one or both often will look to fill that void — with alcohol, drugs, gambling, excessive shopping or affairs," Graser Smith says. The left-out party should talk with his or her partner to try to find a way to support him or her — and find out if he or she has developed the new hobby as a way to "escape" something. Then, the pair should brainstorm an additional alternate shared activity, she adds.
PHOTO: Yuri Arcurs peopleimages.com
Kid conundrums.
Whether it's due to a disagreement about having a child, the inability to have one, or a disagreement about how to raise the one(s) you have, couples are divorcing more and more because of kids, Henry says. "Our upbringing may not mesh well with that of our partner. Plus, it can be difficult to communicate the difference in our parenting styles and tough to remember to respect your partner's differences," she continues.
PHOTO: The Good Brigade
Stonewalling.
Think of this as giving your plus one the cold shoulder. Stonewalling is a hazardous communication strategy that involves bailing, shutting down, or using closed-off body language during a disagreement to demonstrate tuning out. "While stonewalling, your partner feels unreachable. The attachment bond feels broken," Lyons says. "The partner who is stonewalling might not even realize they're doing it; they're likely just feeling overwhelmed or anxious, or may be afraid to throw fuel on an already toxic situation."
However, the stonewalled party might then make a desperate plea to get the other's attention, which makes that partner withdraw even more. The cycle continues. "This can be avoided by communicating that you need a time out instead of stonewalling and then set a time to come back to the discussion. And actually do it," Lyons says.
PHOTO: Yuri Arcurs peopleimages.com
Defensiveness.
Defense isn't just a strategy in sports, unfortunately. It's another way you demonstrate how unreachable you are in a relationship, Lyons says. "We need to give each other feedback, or even issue complaints, from time to time. While it's possible to do this respectfully, it can be done in a defensive manner. In the latter case, we're telling our partner that their opinion doesn't matter," she says.
Instead of tossing out an immediate retort, hear your partner out and think about whether you're partially responsible for the disagreement — even if just a sliver. Then let communicate openly.
PHOTO: fizkes
Overlooking the importance of mutual respect.
"Nearly every couple comes into therapy saying 'we need to work on communication,' when in fact, they lack mutual respect. When partners lose respect for one another, it manifests in how they communicate. They stop talking about the important things and get caught up in trivial, surface level arguments and conversations that have no ending or resolution," Henry says.
That's why it's so crucial to show respect for the inevitable differences each partner has. If each person can learn to understand how their values differ from their partner's, and what the areas of compromise are, "they would get along better and function in a healthier way," she says.
PHOTO: Hill Street Studios
Criticism overload.
"You always … " or "You never … " Sound familiar? Rather than making sweeping generalizations, pinpoint the specific concern that's bothering you, Lyons proposes. "For example, let your partner know how helpful it would if they took the garbage out, rather than implying that they don't seem capable of doing so ... or helping you with anything for that matter," she says.
PHOTO: skynesher
Contempt.
Eye rolling. Mocking. Talking down. None of these tactics will make your partner more likely to hear you out. "Individuals who show contempt for their partners communicate to them that they don't value them," Lyons says. Overcome this all-too-common communication trap by cueing up what you appreciate about most about the other during good times. This factor will soon become an asset during the bad times as well.
PHOTO: NS YAPR
Playing the blame game.
Regardless of the root issue, conflicts or divorce is never one person's fault, Henry says. "Both partners play a role in what happens in the relationship; good and bad. This does not mean both share equal fault or 'blame,' but both partners are contributing factors," she says.
"Perhaps there are unspoken rules or consequences in the relationship which doesn't allow either partner to be as open and honest as necessary to keep the relationship healthy." Humans are emotional beings, and when we become "emotionally hijacked," we have trouble thinking and communicating with a level head, says Kiri Maponya, a certified divorce coach and the creator of the Battle Free Divorce Coaching System in Westchester County, New York.
"Since men and women tend to see things differently, we often have misunderstandings that can lead to resignation, resentment and finger-pointing," she says.
PHOTO: AntonioGuillem
Sweeping problems under the rug.
The old adage of "don't go to bed mad" is true, or close to being so. "Like many, I've gone to bed mad," Graser Smith says. "But the point is not to let something linger very long. Address it. Be willing to listen to your spouse. If it's your spouse's issue, it's your issue. If you don't realize that, you're going to end up with another issue and another after that and on and on. The idea that you are in it together."
If you find yourselves having trouble communicating your needs or coming to terms with childhood struggles, don't be afraid to enlist a neutral party. "A counselor or therapist can help you both see what they are not seeing yourselves and allow for cooler heads to prevail," Maponya says.
PHOTO: Adam Weiss
Too much affection too early.
A super-strong start may be a signal of a super-strong spat later on, report University of Texas at Austin researchers. If the affection level between a couple changes a lot during the first two years of marriage, they might be more likely to separate.
"You have to commit to talking and investing in each other throughout the relationship. A lot of couples are really diligent about scheduling monthly date nights, for example," says Tonya Graser Smith, a board-certified specialist in family law and the founder of GraserSmith, PLLC in Charlotte, North Carolina.
PHOTO: Javier Sánchez Mingorance
Mismatched expectations.
If you put a ring on it hoping for 24 hours of together time every single day and to continue courting each other with lavish dates, you'll likely be disappointed.
"Premarital planning is one of the most important things a couple in love can do before walking down the aisle," says Vikki S. Ziegler Payne, a divorce attorney at Ziegler, Zemsky & Resnick in Livingston New Jersey. "I tell couples to 'get naked' emotionally and physically about their pasts, their parents' relationship, their communication challenges and their finances. Without these important topics discussed, couples that undergo a difficult time do not have a strong marital foundation to withstand a big nuptial storm."
PHOTO: Image Source
Communication shortfalls.
Speaking of communication, it's key. Like mom always said: "Use your words." Growing apart and not being able to talk are the two most common reasons nearly 500 couples gave when asked, "why are you asking for a divorce?"
"The chief culprit in divorce is a lack of communication. Your spouse can't read your mind and you shouldn't try to read theirs. Talk about things you may not want to talk about. Talk about bills. Talk about feelings — happy and sad. Be intentional with your spouse in saying, 'This is important to me,' or 'This is not important to me.' Don't assume your spouse knows what you think. Tell them," says Graser Smith.
When you're planning to tread on tough territory, take note of when, where and how both partners may be most open to challenging conversations, suggests Dr. Racine R. Henry, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of Sankofa Marriage and Family Therapy, PLLC in New York City. "Saying things like 'I feel this way,' 'my feelings were hurt' and 'I love you, but when you say that it way makes me feel sad' are all ways to not be aggressive and confrontational," Ziegler Payne says.
PHOTO: Vladimir Vladimirov
Financial woes.
If you haven't talked about what you're willing, able and interested in investing in before marriage, it's bound to come up soon after you put a ring on it. "Maybe you want more time together and your spouse doesn't want to work so much but thinks you need the financial security," Graser Smith says. "Maybe your spouse doesn't know you'd be willing to downsize your house if it means he's happier, less stressed and has more time for the family."
When it comes to saving money, once again, communication comes into play: "A financial planner or career coach could be immensely helpful to kickstart conversations about goals and map out a plan for achieving them. They'll help you consider your interests, what's important to you both, and how you want to prioritize the most important things in your lives — then start planning to fund these things," Graser Smith says.
PHOTO: Classen Rafael / EyeEm
Trust issues.
"This is often related to underlying 'communication issues,'" Henry says. If your partner is no longer your "safe space," you don't feel like you can be vulnerable — and turn to someone else to trust. "Emotional cheating is often more impactful than physical cheating because of the trust factor. Opening up to another person about your fears, hopes, dreams and more can be a deeper level of intimacy than sharing your body with that person," Henry adds. Nip infidelity and other lapses in faith by sharing open conversations about your needs and if they're being met.
PHOTO: Josep M Rovirosa
Addiction.
If problems from earlier in life — or earlier in the relationship — haven't been properly processed, one or both members of a couple may turn to other outlets to cope. "We act the way we do because our environment and relationships, past and present, trigger a response in us. It can be hard, and isolating, if one member overuses something to fill up a void," Lyons says.
While the partner facing addiction needs to be ready to change, the other partner can be there to provide support, compassion and patience. "Things don't get fixed unless you address the root of the problem when it happens and make a concerted effort to work on the issues consistently," Ziegler says.
PHOTO: Towfiqu Photography
Scarcity of common interests.
A health kick can quickly become unhealthy for a couple. "Say a husband becomes super interested in triathlons. All of a sudden, he's spending hours a day after work training and every single weekend going to and participating in events," Graser Smith says. If the wife has no interest in doing triathlons or attending the events, they may drift apart. Or worse.
"When a couple no longer has shared interests, including in each other, one or both often will look to fill that void — with alcohol, drugs, gambling, excessive shopping or affairs," Graser Smith says. The left-out party should talk with his or her partner to try to find a way to support him or her — and find out if he or she has developed the new hobby as a way to "escape" something. Then, the pair should brainstorm an additional alternate shared activity, she adds.
PHOTO: Yuri Arcurs peopleimages.com
Kid conundrums.
Whether it's due to a disagreement about having a child, the inability to have one, or a disagreement about how to raise the one(s) you have, couples are divorcing more and more because of kids, Henry says. "Our upbringing may not mesh well with that of our partner. Plus, it can be difficult to communicate the difference in our parenting styles and tough to remember to respect your partner's differences," she continues.
PHOTO: The Good Brigade
Stonewalling.
Think of this as giving your plus one the cold shoulder. Stonewalling is a hazardous communication strategy that involves bailing, shutting down, or using closed-off body language during a disagreement to demonstrate tuning out. "While stonewalling, your partner feels unreachable. The attachment bond feels broken," Lyons says. "The partner who is stonewalling might not even realize they're doing it; they're likely just feeling overwhelmed or anxious, or may be afraid to throw fuel on an already toxic situation."
However, the stonewalled party might then make a desperate plea to get the other's attention, which makes that partner withdraw even more. The cycle continues. "This can be avoided by communicating that you need a time out instead of stonewalling and then set a time to come back to the discussion. And actually do it," Lyons says.
PHOTO: Yuri Arcurs peopleimages.com
Defensiveness.
Defense isn't just a strategy in sports, unfortunately. It's another way you demonstrate how unreachable you are in a relationship, Lyons says. "We need to give each other feedback, or even issue complaints, from time to time. While it's possible to do this respectfully, it can be done in a defensive manner. In the latter case, we're telling our partner that their opinion doesn't matter," she says.
Instead of tossing out an immediate retort, hear your partner out and think about whether you're partially responsible for the disagreement — even if just a sliver. Then let communicate openly.
PHOTO: fizkes
Overlooking the importance of mutual respect.
"Nearly every couple comes into therapy saying 'we need to work on communication,' when in fact, they lack mutual respect. When partners lose respect for one another, it manifests in how they communicate. They stop talking about the important things and get caught up in trivial, surface level arguments and conversations that have no ending or resolution," Henry says.
That's why it's so crucial to show respect for the inevitable differences each partner has. If each person can learn to understand how their values differ from their partner's, and what the areas of compromise are, "they would get along better and function in a healthier way," she says.
PHOTO: Hill Street Studios
Criticism overload.
"You always … " or "You never … " Sound familiar? Rather than making sweeping generalizations, pinpoint the specific concern that's bothering you, Lyons proposes. "For example, let your partner know how helpful it would if they took the garbage out, rather than implying that they don't seem capable of doing so ... or helping you with anything for that matter," she says.
PHOTO: skynesher
Contempt.
Eye rolling. Mocking. Talking down. None of these tactics will make your partner more likely to hear you out. "Individuals who show contempt for their partners communicate to them that they don't value them," Lyons says. Overcome this all-too-common communication trap by cueing up what you appreciate about most about the other during good times. This factor will soon become an asset during the bad times as well.
PHOTO: NS YAPR
Playing the blame game.
Regardless of the root issue, conflicts or divorce is never one person's fault, Henry says. "Both partners play a role in what happens in the relationship; good and bad. This does not mean both share equal fault or 'blame,' but both partners are contributing factors," she says.
"Perhaps there are unspoken rules or consequences in the relationship which doesn't allow either partner to be as open and honest as necessary to keep the relationship healthy." Humans are emotional beings, and when we become "emotionally hijacked," we have trouble thinking and communicating with a level head, says Kiri Maponya, a certified divorce coach and the creator of the Battle Free Divorce Coaching System in Westchester County, New York.
"Since men and women tend to see things differently, we often have misunderstandings that can lead to resignation, resentment and finger-pointing," she says.
PHOTO: AntonioGuillem
Sweeping problems under the rug.
The old adage of "don't go to bed mad" is true, or close to being so. "Like many, I've gone to bed mad," Graser Smith says. "But the point is not to let something linger very long. Address it. Be willing to listen to your spouse. If it's your spouse's issue, it's your issue. If you don't realize that, you're going to end up with another issue and another after that and on and on. The idea that you are in it together."
If you find yourselves having trouble communicating your needs or coming to terms with childhood struggles, don't be afraid to enlist a neutral party. "A counselor or therapist can help you both see what they are not seeing yourselves and allow for cooler heads to prevail," Maponya says.
PHOTO: Adam Weiss
Too much affection too early.
A super-strong start may be a signal of a super-strong spat later on, report University of Texas at Austin researchers. If the affection level between a couple changes a lot during the first two years of marriage, they might be more likely to separate.
"You have to commit to talking and investing in each other throughout the relationship. A lot of couples are really diligent about scheduling monthly date nights, for example," says Tonya Graser Smith, a board-certified specialist in family law and the founder of GraserSmith, PLLC in Charlotte, North Carolina.
PHOTO: Javier Sánchez Mingorance
Mismatched expectations.
If you put a ring on it hoping for 24 hours of together time every single day and to continue courting each other with lavish dates, you'll likely be disappointed.
"Premarital planning is one of the most important things a couple in love can do before walking down the aisle," says Vikki S. Ziegler Payne, a divorce attorney at Ziegler, Zemsky & Resnick in Livingston New Jersey. "I tell couples to 'get naked' emotionally and physically about their pasts, their parents' relationship, their communication challenges and their finances. Without these important topics discussed, couples that undergo a difficult time do not have a strong marital foundation to withstand a big nuptial storm."
PHOTO: Image Source
Communication shortfalls.
Speaking of communication, it's key. Like mom always said: "Use your words." Growing apart and not being able to talk are the two most common reasons nearly 500 couples gave when asked, "why are you asking for a divorce?"
"The chief culprit in divorce is a lack of communication. Your spouse can't read your mind and you shouldn't try to read theirs. Talk about things you may not want to talk about. Talk about bills. Talk about feelings — happy and sad. Be intentional with your spouse in saying, 'This is important to me,' or 'This is not important to me.' Don't assume your spouse knows what you think. Tell them," says Graser Smith.
When you're planning to tread on tough territory, take note of when, where and how both partners may be most open to challenging conversations, suggests Dr. Racine R. Henry, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of Sankofa Marriage and Family Therapy, PLLC in New York City. "Saying things like 'I feel this way,' 'my feelings were hurt' and 'I love you, but when you say that it way makes me feel sad' are all ways to not be aggressive and confrontational," Ziegler Payne says.
PHOTO: Vladimir Vladimirov
Financial woes.
If you haven't talked about what you're willing, able and interested in investing in before marriage, it's bound to come up soon after you put a ring on it. "Maybe you want more time together and your spouse doesn't want to work so much but thinks you need the financial security," Graser Smith says. "Maybe your spouse doesn't know you'd be willing to downsize your house if it means he's happier, less stressed and has more time for the family."
When it comes to saving money, once again, communication comes into play: "A financial planner or career coach could be immensely helpful to kickstart conversations about goals and map out a plan for achieving them. They'll help you consider your interests, what's important to you both, and how you want to prioritize the most important things in your lives — then start planning to fund these things," Graser Smith says.
PHOTO: Classen Rafael / EyeEm
Trust issues.
"This is often related to underlying 'communication issues,'" Henry says. If your partner is no longer your "safe space," you don't feel like you can be vulnerable — and turn to someone else to trust. "Emotional cheating is often more impactful than physical cheating because of the trust factor. Opening up to another person about your fears, hopes, dreams and more can be a deeper level of intimacy than sharing your body with that person," Henry adds. Nip infidelity and other lapses in faith by sharing open conversations about your needs and if they're being met.
PHOTO: Josep M Rovirosa
Addiction.
If problems from earlier in life — or earlier in the relationship — haven't been properly processed, one or both members of a couple may turn to other outlets to cope. "We act the way we do because our environment and relationships, past and present, trigger a response in us. It can be hard, and isolating, if one member overuses something to fill up a void," Lyons says.
While the partner facing addiction needs to be ready to change, the other partner can be there to provide support, compassion and patience. "Things don't get fixed unless you address the root of the problem when it happens and make a concerted effort to work on the issues consistently," Ziegler says.
PHOTO: Towfiqu Photography
Scarcity of common interests.
A health kick can quickly become unhealthy for a couple. "Say a husband becomes super interested in triathlons. All of a sudden, he's spending hours a day after work training and every single weekend going to and participating in events," Graser Smith says. If the wife has no interest in doing triathlons or attending the events, they may drift apart. Or worse.
"When a couple no longer has shared interests, including in each other, one or both often will look to fill that void — with alcohol, drugs, gambling, excessive shopping or affairs," Graser Smith says. The left-out party should talk with his or her partner to try to find a way to support him or her — and find out if he or she has developed the new hobby as a way to "escape" something. Then, the pair should brainstorm an additional alternate shared activity, she adds.
PHOTO: Yuri Arcurs peopleimages.com
Kid conundrums.
Whether it's due to a disagreement about having a child, the inability to have one, or a disagreement about how to raise the one(s) you have, couples are divorcing more and more because of kids, Henry says. "Our upbringing may not mesh well with that of our partner. Plus, it can be difficult to communicate the difference in our parenting styles and tough to remember to respect your partner's differences," she continues.
PHOTO: The Good Brigade
Stonewalling.
Think of this as giving your plus one the cold shoulder. Stonewalling is a hazardous communication strategy that involves bailing, shutting down, or using closed-off body language during a disagreement to demonstrate tuning out. "While stonewalling, your partner feels unreachable. The attachment bond feels broken," Lyons says. "The partner who is stonewalling might not even realize they're doing it; they're likely just feeling overwhelmed or anxious, or may be afraid to throw fuel on an already toxic situation."
However, the stonewalled party might then make a desperate plea to get the other's attention, which makes that partner withdraw even more. The cycle continues. "This can be avoided by communicating that you need a time out instead of stonewalling and then set a time to come back to the discussion. And actually do it," Lyons says.
PHOTO: Yuri Arcurs peopleimages.com
Defensiveness.
Defense isn't just a strategy in sports, unfortunately. It's another way you demonstrate how unreachable you are in a relationship, Lyons says. "We need to give each other feedback, or even issue complaints, from time to time. While it's possible to do this respectfully, it can be done in a defensive manner. In the latter case, we're telling our partner that their opinion doesn't matter," she says.
Instead of tossing out an immediate retort, hear your partner out and think about whether you're partially responsible for the disagreement — even if just a sliver. Then let communicate openly.
PHOTO: fizkes
Overlooking the importance of mutual respect.
"Nearly every couple comes into therapy saying 'we need to work on communication,' when in fact, they lack mutual respect. When partners lose respect for one another, it manifests in how they communicate. They stop talking about the important things and get caught up in trivial, surface level arguments and conversations that have no ending or resolution," Henry says.
That's why it's so crucial to show respect for the inevitable differences each partner has. If each person can learn to understand how their values differ from their partner's, and what the areas of compromise are, "they would get along better and function in a healthier way," she says.
PHOTO: Hill Street Studios
Criticism overload.
"You always … " or "You never … " Sound familiar? Rather than making sweeping generalizations, pinpoint the specific concern that's bothering you, Lyons proposes. "For example, let your partner know how helpful it would if they took the garbage out, rather than implying that they don't seem capable of doing so ... or helping you with anything for that matter," she says.
PHOTO: skynesher
Contempt.
Eye rolling. Mocking. Talking down. None of these tactics will make your partner more likely to hear you out. "Individuals who show contempt for their partners communicate to them that they don't value them," Lyons says. Overcome this all-too-common communication trap by cueing up what you appreciate about most about the other during good times. This factor will soon become an asset during the bad times as well.
PHOTO: NS YAPR
Playing the blame game.
Regardless of the root issue, conflicts or divorce is never one person's fault, Henry says. "Both partners play a role in what happens in the relationship; good and bad. This does not mean both share equal fault or 'blame,' but both partners are contributing factors," she says.
"Perhaps there are unspoken rules or consequences in the relationship which doesn't allow either partner to be as open and honest as necessary to keep the relationship healthy." Humans are emotional beings, and when we become "emotionally hijacked," we have trouble thinking and communicating with a level head, says Kiri Maponya, a certified divorce coach and the creator of the Battle Free Divorce Coaching System in Westchester County, New York.
"Since men and women tend to see things differently, we often have misunderstandings that can lead to resignation, resentment and finger-pointing," she says.
PHOTO: AntonioGuillem
Sweeping problems under the rug.
The old adage of "don't go to bed mad" is true, or close to being so. "Like many, I've gone to bed mad," Graser Smith says. "But the point is not to let something linger very long. Address it. Be willing to listen to your spouse. If it's your spouse's issue, it's your issue. If you don't realize that, you're going to end up with another issue and another after that and on and on. The idea that you are in it together."
If you find yourselves having trouble communicating your needs or coming to terms with childhood struggles, don't be afraid to enlist a neutral party. "A counselor or therapist can help you both see what they are not seeing yourselves and allow for cooler heads to prevail," Maponya says.
PHOTO: Adam Weiss
Traits that may lead to divorce
The predictors of divorce are not necessarily what you might think, according to Heather Z. Lyons, PhD, a licensed psychologist and owner of Baltimore Therapy Group in Baltimore, Maryland. "When a couples counselor sees a couple in high distress, that doesn't necessarily mean that they're more likely headed for divorce than the couple who seems less worried, vocal or argumentative," she says. So, if shouting isn't the final straw, what is? Infidelity, domestic violence and substance abuse are the three most common reasons, according to a study published in the journal "Couple and Family Psychology." Here are more signs a split may be on the way — plus some guidance about how to get back on track.