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The Flying Pigs: All this carry on over extraterrestrials and Area 51 seems like a storm in a flying saucer

Unidentified flying object.
Unidentified flying object.

View From the Midden by Jock Alexander of MTV

It’s been a conspiratorial wik in the village. Maybe it’s something tae dae wi’ the recent unseasonally het temperatures and the air feeling affa close ‘ese last few days, but maist o’ the news ye couldna mak up. Jist look at yon story fae America.

Some joker his suggested an event on BookFace cried “Storm Area 51- They Can’t Stop All Of Us”. and mair than a million folk hiv signed up tae attend. For onyb’dy fit disna ken, Area 51 is an Airforce base in the middle o’ Nevada, a hunder mile fae onywye, fit is so secret, that until aboot 5 year ago the US Government widna confirm it even existed.

Some fowk believe contains crashed UFO technology and captured extra-terrestrials, but it’s mair likely onyb’dy that tries tae rush the complex will get a close encounter wi’ a machine gun. But ye hiv tae admire the Americans, dae ye? Fa else can tak a funny, obviously ridiculous idea and follow it through until it turns intae a terrifying and dangerous reality?

Onywye, here in the village we hiv a great affinity wi Area 51 – weel, it’s a desolate isolated location miles fae onythin’, far strange otherworldly things are rumoured tae happen, only recently officially recognised as a real place. Oot here, of course there is little light pollution, and the clear skies above Meikle Wartle hiv become famed for their unusual activity.

Noo ye could blame atmospheric effects fae the strangely coloured vapours floating out fae the sewage works, but the smart money – and indeed a’bdy interested in the vital tourist trade – says it’s aliens.

Mysterious flying objects have been sighted by mony locals; I masel mind the time a spate o’ broon spherical discs were seen whizzing through the air, accompanied by an inhuman aroma (faintly reminiscent o’ miner) wiz they flying saucers? No – on this occaision it transpired they wis jist flying toldies. Fan Sandy Emslie’s fool grandkids used that cowpats as frisbees.

Skittery Wullie claims he wiz once abducted files on his wye hame fae the pub, fan he found himsel’ blinded by a sudden, unearthly light, afore wakin’ up later wi’ no recollection of the previous 5 hours and his mini-metro wrapped aroon’ a lamppost in the square. It wis certainly a mystery Police Scotland wis unable tae sove. Cause naebd’y telt them nithin’ aboot it.

Een of the million plus numpties planning on storming Area 51 in Septempber is Feel Moira. She his hid a lang standing fascination (some micht even say ‘affinity’) wi’ weird alien lifeforms and noo she is saving up for her trip tae Nevada, and is sittin’ oot on her roof, looking up at the sky wi’ a hipper o’ single malt, and a massive tin foil hat on her strangely shaped heed. I tried talking her oot o’ it, but it wis nae use. The US military is the maist powerful, weel equipped fighting force the world his iver seen; if Moira’s leading the charge, I dinna funcy their chunces. Cheerio!

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who can’t wait for August.

The summer months always leaves a football shaped hole in my life, and Old Kenny often turns to the minority sports to fill the void. This year I has been capitulated by the sound of feather on pillow at the Cricket World Cup. And what a tournament it has been!

First of all, I’ll make a confessional. I still don’t get cricket. I can just about deal with runs and overs but when they start talking about wickets, maidens, goolies, yorkies, silly mittens, and deep mid-winter, I don’t mind admitting, I is stumped. That didn’t stop me enjoying it, though, so when I took up presidents in the armchair in front of the TV last Sunday for the final, Melody says to me, she says “is this how you’re going to spend our wedding anniversary? Glued to the telly?” So I says to her, I says, “Aye.”

She’s a topper, my missus.

And what a final it was! I decided to support England. Well, Scotland didn’t qualify and they was sticking New Zealand who I don’t like because I’m hypoallergenic to Kiwi fruits. England had to get 2 runs off the last ball to take the title but they could only manage a single. That tied the match at 241-241 (which sounds like a cricket score!) and they had to have a ‘super over’ to decide the winner. A super over is the cricket version of a penalty shoot out except they get 6 shotties and get them all in a row. And the goalie is called the wicketkeeper.

Anyway, both England and New Zealand got the same score, but it never went to sullen death because , apparently, England had got more binaries and that meant they’d won the match. I was delighted for them, though I didn’t really understand how they done it.

In football it’s definitely much more simpler to work out which team is the winners. Look at the Dons match in Lapland on Thursday. They won because they scored more goals than the Lapites they was playing against. Even though both teams was exactly as mince as each other.