Dealing with scary suicidal thoughts

“The first time I thought of it I was scared. I could not believe that something like that would enter my mind. Like why? But after the first time it started becoming regular. Every time I face a challenge I will be like, ‘What if I ended it all?’

“And I know people would look at me and say I have it all so I should not be thinking about ending my own life. I should not think about committing, yes committing suicide,” she said, seeming to struggle to say the last word.

September 10 was World Suicide Prevention Day and I decided to have a conversation on the issue, as suicide, even though the rate has dropped, continues to be a major problem in our country.

There is no lie in this married professional woman’s statements that from the outside it seems as if she has it all. She agreed to speak to me when I asked her if she knew anyone who has struggled with suicidal thoughts and might want to speak to me.

“Yes, I do. And I am willing to talk about it, once you don’t use my name,” she answered. To say I was surprised was an understatement and it must have shown on my face.

“I know you don’t think I can struggle with suicidal thoughts, well I do, and I am trying to deal with it because at times I do feel like something is wrong with me,” she said.

“The first time it was just a stressful day at work and when I got home, I felt so low and there was so much to be done and the children were misbehaving and I felt like I wanted to go out of my mind and then the thought came. And then right away I started thinking about my two children, like what will happen to them.

“As the night progressed, I felt so guilty and I started to pray to God for forgiveness and also started to count my many blessings because life has really been good to me.”

As she spoke, the scenario she spoke of resonated with me as I am sure it does with many other sisters. How many times have we not felt overwhelmed and while we may not think about ending our lives, we think about going on a short sojourn just to regroup? We all face tough days, but because we are taught to be superwomen and super mommies it is difficult at times to deal with and I guess that is what happened to this sister. We are not taught it is okay to take a break or to just sit down and have a good cry (though I have done it many times) because if we do then something is wrong with us.

I asked the sister if she cried that night.

“No, I didn’t cry because I felt so guilty that I just finish up and I prayed that night,” she said. “But a few weeks later it happened again, another difficult day and the thought came again. Guilt again and I even felt a little afraid because then I was thinking something was really wrong with me.

“At one time I even imagined how my funeral will be and how my children would cry and how my husband and other relatives would feel.

“Something is wrong with me, right?” she asked, even looking a little frightened as she posed the question.

I paused before I told her that in my limited experience, I didn’t think anything was wrong with her but that maybe she needs to talk about her struggles more instead of keeping them bottled up. I told her that many times we as women are afraid to admit that we have very difficult days we are also afraid of talking about issues with our spouses and with our friends. There are some friends who would tell us we are not facing anything, and we had better count our blessings. It is not that we are not grateful for our blessings, but we have problems too.

“Well I don’t really have friends and it is true I don’t really tell nobody when I am having a tough day. And yes, I talk to my husband but sometimes he is so busy I don’t want to bother him sometimes he is part of the problem. And of course, I will not tell him that I had suicidal thoughts he might think something is really wrong with me or think I am being selfish,” she said.

“One night I got up and in the darkness the thought came to me and I went outside and there I was just imagining how to do it and I felt poison would be too painful so I was thinking about hanging, but then I said to find my body like that will be scary for my children and husband and you know at that point it was like…” she broke off and tears streamed down her cheeks. “At that point I felt like I was really crazy…,” she continued before trailing off.

I suggested that maybe she should consider some professional assistance, especially since she has no one she talks to about her difficult days.

“You mean like a psychiatrist?” she asked in an almost incredulous tone.

“Then people would say I mad, I don’t know if I can do that and what am I going to tell my husband? How do I tell him that his wife is seeing a psychiatrist when as far as he knows everything is fine with me?” she asked.

I had no answer to her questions, but I suggested that I could ask someone to see her and it does not have to be at an office, but she could probably have an initial conversation at a restaurant or at some other neutral venue.

She did not respond for a while and I allowed the silence to linger as I felt she was deep in thought.

“I still don’t know,” she said breaking the silence. “I will have to think about it. It is hard for me. It is not like I tried to commit suicide I just think about it and yes the thought came quite a few times and it is scaring me but a psychiatrist…”

As gentle as I could I again told her there is nothing wrong with talking with someone as she knows suicidal thoughts are not healthy. I suggested that she think about it seriously and offered myself to her as an initial listener if she found that her difficult days were too much. No, we are not friends nor are we even acquaintances, we met professionally on a few occasions. But she had just shared some of her more frightening thoughts with me and if she needs an ear, I can give her that.

“Okay I may call you,” she answered. “I am not promising, because to be honest I feel a little embarrassed now that I told you, but I also feel a little better, at least I told someone about it.”

We parted ways shortly after and while I know I will see her again I am not sure we would ever have such a personal conversation. I am still hoping that she will agree to speak to a professional, but she has to want to do so.

Suicidal thoughts are real and are damaging and I am aware that many sisters struggle with them. But help is available, and I believe more and more persons are talking about it which has seen the rate of suicide reducing in Guyana.

If you or someone you know are having thoughts of committing suicide, you can seek help from the Inter-Agency Suicide Prevention Helpline through the following means:

Telephone: 223-0818, 223-0009 and 223-0001

Mobile: 600-7896 or 623-4444