I remarried two years ago. I have been working quite well with my husband’s ex-wife, but we just hit a roadblock over the holidays.
Last year the holidays were easier to navigate because my kids’ schedule matched my husband’s kids’ schedule, but this year there were all sorts of changes that had to be made, which made for some tense times. I suggested a three-way text — my husband’s ex, my husband and me — but his ex said absolutely not. She then texted my husband saying she wanted all negotiations to be “between you and I,” which he forwarded to me.
At their son’s soccer game later that afternoon she was sweet as pie, which made me think it was all fake. It feels like we are going backwards. What’s good ex-etiquette?
First, slow down a little bit. Just because she wants to back off doesn’t mean the sky is falling. At the time you suggested the talk, she was facing the stress of the holidays (as were you) and she was probably done with conversation and concessions and just wanted to deal with the kids’ dad. A conversation, of course, will be helpful, but the suggestion may have been too much at the time.
For the record, Ex-etiquette for parents rule No. 4 is, “Parents make the rules; bonusparents support them. This is the only one of the Ten Rules of Good Ex-etiquette for Parents that has a caveat attached. When bonusparents have children of their own, then additional coordination is necessary — which is what you were trying to do — but it’s all about tact and timing. If she’s texting “you and I” to her ex I would guess she’s feeling out of control, and to be honest, rarely do exes see the predicament their ex’s new partner might be in when they must juggle their kids’ schedules with their bonuskids’ schedule.
You have been doing this bonusfamily experiment for a very short time in bonusfamily years. My suggestion is to let your husband take the lead for a while. He sees firsthand the need to coordinate efforts, and at this point, he’s everyone’s friend.
You may just have to hang back until the ex relaxes, so breathe and be patient. You are all way ahead of the game. Good for you! And, good for all the kids involved. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
— Tribune News Service
