TIRUCHY: Ever since coronavirus turned our world upside down, we are gripped by constant fear. The biggest one is losing our loved ones during this time. Latha (75) who has been staying alone in Tiruchy for the past few months has died. Her two children stay in the USA. As she was unable to manage her chores, she employed a full-time help recently. Her house used to buzz with people, as she had a large family, four sisters and three brothers. It was thus a terrible irony that this woman, who was always surrounded by loved ones, died alone.
Latha’s children and her siblings who stay in Chennai and Bengaluru were unable to see her when she breathed her last. “This will haunt me forever,” says Srinivasan, Latha’s son. It was her second cousin who stayed nearby and a few friends, who performed her last rites. Her children saw their mother for the last time on video. “I feel terrible. There is a void in my heart that can never be filled. I can never forget the fact I could not see my mother one last time. The woman who gave birth to me and made me the person I am, had to die all alone. I do not think I can ever forgive myself for that,” says Sinduja, Latha’s daughter who stays in New York.
Funerals and rituals associated with it have been designed to help with grieving process. When one is unable to see, touch or be in the presence of their loved one during the cremation or burial, it makes the process of mourning even more difficult, say psychologists.
Doctors add that not seeing loved ones and being away can increase the grief and add guilt. “We are all in a state which we have never been in before. Many people are already in grief during the lockdown. People who are unable to see their loved ones during or after their death will be in a sense of denial. They may also carry guilt. In India, our process of grieving is when people come together and share their grief. There is a process of resolution in our customs. In the absence of that, grief can be extended for some people,” says Dr K Ramakrishnan, Director, Athma Hospitals.
For Uma, her father had been with her for a long time. He just came to his home in Pudukkottai to settle some accounts and sell their land. She was to join him. Just before she could, the lockdown began. Her father passed away on May 10 and she had no way, other than by road, to join him from Mumbai. “I thought there was no point in coming, as by the time I would come, the last rites would be finished. My father was with me for the past 10 years, I cannot believe such a thing would happen when he was not with me. I am filled with regret for not spending his last days with him. I could not say goodbye to my hero,” says Uma.
When one is unable to see, touch or be in the presence of their loved one during the cremation or burial, it makes the process of mourning even more difficult, say psychologists. “The process of cremation, burial, and rituals associated have been deviced in a way to help people grieve. In the absence of that, disbelief is added to the process of grieving. People may find it hard to get closure,” says Dr. Anand, psychologist in Tiruchy.