Photo by Madison Mascare
Hi, HGTV fans! Thanks for dropping by for another recap from Good Bones Season 5. I’m Megan Fernandez, and I often write about homes for Indianapolis Monthly. My design-snob colleagues Josh Cox and Kristin Sims are here, too, pointing out the truly important stuff.The halfway point for the season brings us to “Old Biker Bar.” A little white granny house in Old Southside was actually a Harley hangout in a past life. The party is definitely over, and squatters have come and gone. It’s trashed—but not for long. Mina announced an ambitious two-story addition to triple the size of the house. The front will look the same, and the addition will extend off the back almost to the alley, leaving a secluded side yard. The finished house should list for—swallow your coffee so you don’t spit on your computer—$312,000. For Old Southside. But that’s in line with the neighborhood’s going rate per square foot. Josh: These prices continue to amaze me for their surroundings, and how do the immediate neighbors feel about this towering addition?
Kristin: Holy shit. The aerial view was crazy!
Megan: You can’t see the addition from the front at all. But trust us, there’s a warehouse on the back side. The regular crew, including Tad and Cory, appeared very involved in building it. I didn’t know they could actually build the hard stuff, like trusses and foundations.
Josh: Karen discussing putting joy into the foundation of the house being felt by whomever moves into the house literally brought me joy.
Megan: She means it, too. I rewound during this segment to appreciate Cory’s impeccable work wear. I’d call his jeans “athletic cut.”
Kristin: Cory’s designer tees aren’t the standard demo duds you buy at Walmart. And unfortunately, I found myself wondering, as he did his “stretches,” if he was still going commando as mentioned last week. Maybe you guys are rubbing off on me.
Josh: I really enjoyed the gunshot design and side yard/courtyard of the addition—
Kristin: Shotgun design.
Megan: I bet there is some gunshot design in Old Southside, though.
Josh: —but overall the general aesthetic of this design was a total miss for my taste.
Megan: It was, in their own words, more masculine than their usual style. They went with a lot of steely gray inside and out, and oxblood red in a bathroom. Automotive references included a Vespa with a bartop, a motorcycle sculpture with working lights that Karen designed, and a loveseat that looks like the tail end of a classic car. And the upstairs loft area has a swanky yellow velvet bar.
Josh: The exterior color was too muddy, and the interior gray around the windows suffered from the same problem, with too much blue. Speaking of paint colors, I realize that aesthetically the ’90s are back, but that oxblood felt like every living room of my friends’ houses growing up.
Kristin: I painted my bath a similar color in 1995.
Megan: Living room, 1998.
Kristin: I liked the retro velvet bar, especially the color. However, it duplicated the (overdone, cliche) Vespa bar in the living room. How much do these people drink? And then to pair it with another piece of faux car furniture, the one that the potential buyers were stuffed into. “Here, guys, awkwardly sit in this car trunk for our money discussion!”
Megan: They got the bar at Urban Styles in Castleton on a shopping trip we got to see. This store feels like a prop shop. So many crazy things piled inside.
Josh: It looks like a gimmick-lover’s dream and proves to be foreshadowing of the final design.
Kristin: A little faux metal and some car parts go a long way.
Megan: This episode also revisited Mina and Steve’s IVF process. As she was wheeled off to surgery, she and Steve kissed three times in succession. That must be their thing, kiss-kiss-kiss.
Josh: Steve’s visible nerves while Mina was waiting to be wheeled back was adorable, and a testament once again to the never-ending strength of women.
Kristin: I love a girl who rocks in vitro with a hair cap and lashes!
Megan: Perhaps that’s why this episode’s gender-based cliches didn’t work for me. Mina and Karen break the mold as owners of a renovation company and bad-ass bosses. Cory shatters the image of a construction guy. Guns-out Tad used to be a cheerleader. In that context, the idea that some gray trim and motorcycles equal masculine felt off-brand. Two Chicks and a Hammer represents something more unconventional than that.
Josh: I am blaming that on a lack of M.J.’s magic touch this episode. But they can’t all be winners.
