Seditious prattle about European clubs and a breakaway super league

BREAKING BAD

It was possibly somewhere between the truffle and foie gras canapés and the glazed aubergines with bang bang cauliflower and braised swordfish with a soupçon of piglet that the head of the world’s most prominent football charity decided he’d had enough. Fifa god Gianni Infantino had been hearing lots of seditious prattle about European clubs and a breakaway super league and he resolved to shut it down once and for all. Verily, Fifa wants no part of any vulgar money-making wheeze it has not been invited to be part of.

“In light of recent media speculation about the creation of a closed European ‘Super League’ by some European clubs, Fifa and the six confederations once again would like to reiterate and strongly emphasise that such a competition would not be recognised by either Fifa or the respective confederation,” barfed a joint statement from Fifa and the six global confederations, before revealing their plan to pre-emptively undermine any such Super League: no, not by insisting Frank Lampard’s Chelsea be allowed into it, but by attempting to deter players from joining it by announcing that anyone who does so will be banned from playing in the World Cup. Just in case the likes of Scott McTominay started wondering how that changes things, the statement added that players would also be prevented from playing in tournaments such as the Euros, the Africa Cup of Nations and so on.

“Any club or player involved in such a [breakaway] competition would as a consequence not be allowed to participate in any competition organised by Fifa or their respective confederation,” raged the statement. “The universal principles of sporting merit, solidarity, promotion and relegation, and subsidiarity are the foundation of the football pyramid that ensures football’s global success and are, as such, enshrined in the Fifa and confederation statutes. Football has a long and successful history thanks to these principles. Participation in global and continental competitions should always be won on the pitch.” Quite right. And anyone who doesn’t abide by that won’t be playing at the next Ethics World Cup in Qatar.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“It’s different territory for me because it’s something I never dreamt of being in the books that you get for Christmas every year. Hopefully I might actually read it if I get one for Christmas this year. I’m delighted and hopefully no one beats it for a long time now so I can show my grandkids” – Newport County keeper Tom King boots his way to a Guinness world record after his wind-assisted, 105-yard effort against Cheltenham was confirmed as the longest goal scored in a competitive football match.

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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Former Sheffield Wednesday and England defender Peter Swan has died at the age of 84. Swan won 19 caps but was infamously involved in a betting scandal that saw him banned in 1964 for eight years and which effectively ended his top-level career.

Uefa is weighing up whether to stage Euro 2020 in one country this summer rather than across the continent as planned.

If it does go ahead, Poland will have Paulo Sousa as their new manager after giving Jerzy Brzeczek the boot. “With all due respect to coach Brzeczek, I was convinced that it would be hard for us to go forward,” parped Polish FA big bundz Zbigniew Boniek. “The motives were purely sporting.”

Real Madrid are nursing a Copa del Rey hangover for the ages after they were dumped out by 10-man, third-tier, semi-professional Alcoyano. “Do you want to know what the spirit of Alcoyano means? Look no further,” whooped coach Vicente Parras after their 2-1 extra-time triumph. “We really believed we could win even after the sending off. This will be talked about for the next 20 years, people will remember that on spirit alone, a team managed to knock out Real Madrid.”

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Arsenal’s mini purge of unwanted players has left them free to make additions this month, according to Mikel Arteta. “Your government thanks you for your participation “We’ve done the first part [shedding players] more or less and now we are focusing on the second phase,” he tooted.

Cardiff City have binned off manager Neil Harris after six successive defeats left them 15th in the Championship. “Sadly we are in a result-orientated business and our on-field results of late and progress this season has been very poor,” sighed Vincent Tan.

Marcus Rashford has praised Chelsea’s Reece James and Mason Mount for their charitable work during the pandemic and believes it will help drive significant social change for the next generation. “The fact people are doing it off their own backs is an amazing feeling,” he said.

And how does David Beckham afford all those tattoos, haircuts, cars and Big Phil Neville’s wages at Inter Miami? According to David Beckham Ventures Limited’s latest accounts, he and the former Posh Spice pocketed £14.5m in image rights cash in 2019.

STILL WANT MORE?

Sid Lowe has written on Alcoyano. It’s great.

Another trophy for Juventus in the Supercoppa, relief for Andrea Pirlo and no prizes for guessing who scored the vital goal. Nicky Bandini reports.

A half-time row on the Olympiastadion’s escalators between two of Hertha Berlin’s stars was the latest sign of trouble in the Bundesliga for their coach, Bruno Labbadia, writes Andy Brassell.

Nuno Espírito Santo and Wolves might want to heed Steven Pye’s warning from history about playing Chorley in the FA Cup.

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