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South Carolina reverts to type; brings back firing squads.
South Carolina reverts to type; brings back firing squads. ilbusca / Getty Images

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! This could be the end of everything. So why don't we go? So why don't we go somewhere only we know? LET'S GO TO PRESS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Portland Commissioners Dan Ryan and Mingus Mapps are joining Mayor Wheeler (and against Commissioner Jo Ann Hardesty's wishes) for a slow rollout of the Portland Police Response program—which provides a non-police response to those in mental crisis or emergency calls about the homeless—instead of immediately instituting it citywide. Local advocates see it as just another excuse to delay the police reform that the city council has already promised.

• The members of around 40 organizations—including Chelsea Clinton!—are calling for Oregon's Attorney General Ellen Rosenblum to grant relief to prisoners who were convicted in the state by non-unanimous juries... an old-timey, racist practice that has been overturned by the Supreme Court. So is Rosenblum gonna do it or what? Our Blair Stenvick has a great explainer about what's involved.

• Good news: Oregon currently has a surplus of COVID-19 vaccines, meaning if you want one (and you should) you can get one very easily! In fact, the vaccine clinic at the bustling Oregon Convention Center will be accepting walk-ins without an appointment starting tomorrow.

• Less exciting news: The Oregon Health Authority announced yesterday that 611 people have tested positive for COVID—even after being fully vaccinated. BUT! BUT! BUT! This is a very small number of all the people who have been fully vaxxed in the state, and it's thought that many may have caught the virus before the vaccine took full effect (two full weeks after getting the second shot).

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• Four former cops involved in the death of George Floyd—who stood by and watched as the man was suffocated by Officer Derek Chauvin—have been indicted by a federal grand jury.

• The nation only added 266,000 jobs in March (much less than expected), signifying that while the economy is bouncing back quickly from the pandemic, employers—particularly those in restaurant and hotel industries—are still having trouble filling the positions.

• Today in "life comes at you fast": The owner of the Washingtonian newspaper wrote a thoughtless Washington Post opinion piece saying that employees who still wanted to telecommute after the pandemic is over are putting their employment at risk. Employees at the Washingtonian didn't appreciate that very much:

• Atlanta Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms (at one time a potential Biden Veep pick) has announced she will not be running for reelection.

• Corrupt Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has signed the country's latest anti-voting law, specifically designed to stop residents—particularly people of color—from using drop boxes and voting by mail. It's yet another desperate attempt from increasingly desperate Republicans to stay in power, and will most likely wind up in... oh! Right on cue: "Florida's new voting law immediately hit with lawsuits."

• And also right on cue: "Texas GOP’s voting restriction bill passes key House vote."

• The FBI is still rounding up the Trumpy domestic terrorists who attacked the nation's capitol on January 6, and have thus far have charged more than 440 of the chuds—with the "worst of the worst" still to come. Also from this story: "The FBI said Reed Christensen of Oregon, accused of assaulting officers on the Capitol's lower west terrace, was identified with the help of his son." THAT'S MY BOY!

• If you need further proof as to how pathetic the GOP has become, look no further than this self-damning quote from Sen. Lindsey Graham, who said, "I would just say to my Republican colleagues, can we move forward without President Trump? The answer is no.”

• Republican lawmakers in South Carolina, fearing they won't have enough lethal injections to kill people on death row, have voted to bring back (WAIT FOR IT) firing squads.

• You want to look GOOD, true or false? If "true," you'll want to purchase a new, wicked awesome Mercury T-shirt... just in time for tee season!

• HUMP! HUMP! HUMP! If you enjoy sexy stuff (and I know you do), get your tickets NOW for HUMP's Greatest Hits, Volume 3—THIS WEEKEND—featuring some of the best short sex flicks from 15 years of HUMP! HUMP! HUMP!

• And now... THE WEATHER REPORT: A few morning showers today with a high of 59!

• And finally, I didn't know "teaching baby seals to swim" was an actual job... but I'm definitely applying!